


the end

by Kalpa (orphan_account)



Series: sunshine [10]
Category: Fallout (Video Games), Fallout 4
Genre: Angst, Comfort, F/M, Fear, Fluff, Hurt, Hurt and comfort, Sad, Self Harm, Suicide, Triggers, Violence
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2016-01-15
Updated: 2016-01-15
Packaged: 2018-05-14 03:40:11
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 3,268
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/5728297
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/orphan_account/pseuds/Kalpa
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>she wakes up with one less arm, and suicide on her mind.</p>
            </blockquote>





	the end

**Author's Note:**

> hey there !! sorry for the lack of updates. things have been super fucking crazy lately aha  
> there wont be an update for a while after this too because of my busy schedule.   
> and i really really really dislike this chapter a lot but idk why. maybe because ive gone through the same thing or not idk   
> but i hope you enjoy this chapter !!!  
> there should only be one or two more after this, and i did this because it's a lot easier to piece together the end for this series !

“How long have you been experiencing these thoughts?”   
A deep inhale through her nose, a tap on the chair with her fingers, eyes narrowed as she thought. Finally, she settled for a nonchalant shrug, clenching her jaw. Her mouth did not open to answer, and instead she settled for a long stare, counting the ticks the annoying clock made in the corner to her right. Once she reached seventy four, he asked yet another question.   
“A shrug does not answer my question.”  
“Neither will I.”  
The doctor tilted his head to the side in silent curiosity, beady eyes squinting together as he merely looked at Jay. His fingers played with the pencil against his face as Jay took deep breaths, steadying herself. “Why is that? We are only trying to help you,” the doctor explained, crossing his legs as he leaned back into his chair.   
Jay did not relax like him. Instead, she ran her hand over her face in agitation, looking away for a moment before making eye contact with the old man. “By what? Locking me up in a room with someone like you for three hours in the morning, and four in the afternoon? By watching me piss and shit to make sure I don’t get so low to the point where I’ll poison myself with E. Coli? By telling me how loved and cared for I am? Well, newsflash,” she spat, leaning forward in her chair as she planted her elbows on her knees. Jay stared up at the man from under her brow, jaw tight and nostrils flaring in obvious anger. “I am the most hated woman in the Commonwealth after Bunker Hill. The only man who loved me is dead, and the current man had to stop me from killing myself in battle. My son is dying, and by the time I’ve done everything he’s asked me to do, he’ll be dead. And for what? All I did was help the most loathed organization in the Commonwealth for him. Not for me, for him. It’s the least I could do for the baby who was stolen from me,” she hissed, spit flying across the man’s face.   
The man wiped away some of the spit, clicking his pen and beginning to write down on a piece of paper. Jay clenched her jaw as she watched him write before shaking her head, running her hands through her hair in obvious frustration. She plopped back into the seat, laughing bitterly. “I can already imagine what you’re saying. Patient exhibits hostility towards the Institute. Should probably kill,” she giggled. “Go ahead. Be my guest.”   
“We will not kill you, Miss Jay. Father would be very upset if his mother was killed, especially considering the fact that you are extremely delusional and sick right now,” the man replied, pocketing the pen in his lab coat. Jay narrowed her eyes at him again, pursing her lips in thought. But she did not reply to the man, understanding that whatever she said would be used against her. So she opted for silence. The man noticed her tactic, and made a soft humming noise, resting his hands on his lap. “I’ll ask you again; how long have you been having these thoughts?”  
“What thoughts?” she asked, voice venomous and impatient.   
“Ones of worthlessness, hopelessness, helplessness…” he trailed off, looking for her answer.  
Jay instead snorted, shaking her head as she chewed on her lips. “None of your business. Can I please leave?” she asked, rolling her eyes and looking at him in obvious irritation. But the old man shook his head.   
“Our session is not done yet,” he told her, and she bit her cheek, fingers drumming against the chair.   
“I’ve killed over a hundred men with a gun. I’ve seen children be killed. Hell, I’ve even killed children. How long have these feelings been around?” Her eyes glinted dangerously as she leaned forward again, her voice was calm and quiet as she spoke. “Ever since I woke up in the goddamn vault to a bullet in my husband’s brain and my baby being abducted. This Institute ruined my life, and I’ve killed men for them like you had Kellogg kill Nate. You ruined me.”  
“And so your reaction to us...ruining you is to hurt yourself and possibly kill yourself?” the man asked.   
Jay watched him for a moment, eyebrows furrowed as she seemed to weigh the thought. Finally, she leaned back into the chair, nodding to herself. “You ruined Kellogg and turned him into a slave for you. How long until you do the same to me? Until I do the same to myself? His family was killed by his actions, and so was mine. The parallels are too similar,” she replied, shaking her head as she took a deep breath to calm herself. “I’ve killed too many lives and now I’m your slave like Kellogg. I’m no more than a problem. And you resolve problems one way or another,” she explained.   
The man nodded, tapping his pen against the chair. “And so how will you resolve your own problem?” he asked, and Jay simply stared at him for a moment before looking down to the ground, intertwining her fingers together in a praying motion. Finally, she took a deep breath before gazing into his dark eyes.   
“Any way I can.”  
“Meaning?”  
Jay leaned back, eyes narrowed and lips drawn thin. “I think you know, doctor. You’re not a dumbass,” she replied, corners of her lips drawn up into a bitter smirk.   
The doctor adjusted the glasses that sat on the bridge of his nose, clearing his throat with obvious discomfort. He shifted in his seat. “By...suicide?”   
Jay shrugged. “If that’s what you wanna call it.”  
“That is what the action you’re implying is called.”  
“To most, yeah.”  
“And what is it to you?”  
“Resolving a problem.”  
“By suicide.”  
Jay fell silent, simply staring at him with cold, emotionless eyes. Finally, she rubbed at where her left arm had once been, imagining that her fingers were playing with the ring once on her left ring finger. Her jaw clenched and tightened. “I guess so,” she murmured, leaning back in her chair. “I guess so.”

Jay walked through the Institute with her hair pinned to the back of her head, accompanied by two coursers on either side of her. Father had asked to speak with her, but what about she did not know. The coursers seemed to not know, and even if they did, they did not answer her questions. An uneasy feeling sat at the bottom of her stomach as she approached his quarters, heart in her throat.  
“Shaun?” she called out as she walked in, not seeing her son. She assumed he was up the stairs by his terminal, and once she heard the hushed whispers coming from up above she knew she was right. Slowly, Jay ascended the stairs, a small smile on her face at the thought of seeing her son again. Despite his age and his career, the love she felt for him was a mother’s love; it could never be taken away, no matter what he did or who he was.   
The voices stopped, and Jay frowned as she turned to look at who was by the terminal. Her expression quickly changed to shock and surprise as she saw who was standing next to her son. She stopped in her steps, and simply stood there, unsure of how to react.   
Next to Shaun stood Hancock, looking as rugged as ever. Shaun looked as though he had bathed extensively until every pore was clean and every speck of dirt had been scrubbed away next to Hancock, who wore his grime with pride. Both looked surprise, but Hancock looked more horrified and sad than Shaun. Once she followed his gaze to her arm, her heart dropped to her feet, and she looked back up to make eye contact with him.  
Both seemed to wish to speak, but neither one of them opened up their mouth. They simply communicated via their eyes, brighter than their words and more expressive than their minds. It was a common silence they shared. At one point in time, before Jay stitched her heart together and sung a soft hum that Shaun had heard once or twice as a baby, the silence had been taboo, unwanted and a sin. Jay would have done anything to break it, have it be a dumb joke or a strange noise. But after being painted with more scars and becoming friends with the needle that let her sleep, the silence had become welcome and comforting.  
In the silence that occupied the room at that moment, Hancock had often held her, braided her hair when it became long, and helped cut the strands nice and short during late, hot nights. Sometimes they had shared a beer, and Hancock had pried away the needle, instead rubbing her hand until she fell asleep. The two had counted stars, exchanged stories, and simply lived with one another when that silence presented itself to them.   
But in that silence, Jay stood with two coursers preventing her from harm, one less arm and without Hancock braiding her hair. In other words, Jay was not Jay, but Hancock was Hancock. And as he took a number of steps towards her, and rubbed his finger along the stub of where her arm had once been, she knew he would always remain so. But Jay could never be the woman that counted stars and braided her hair and laughed along with Hancock late at night. She knew she could never make another dumb joke or make another weird noise. And she felt sorry.  
Jay was sorry.   
“Hey sunshine,” he whispered to her, voice deep and all too welcoming. Jay smiled softly at the sound of her nickname, but it didn’t reach her eyes like it’d used to.   
“Hey,” she replied, voice cracking awkwardly. Her cheeks instantly flushed, but Hancock just chuckled, standing in front of her. He was only a foot away from her, and he stared down at her with such intensity Jay nearly felt intimidated.   
“How you holdin up?” he asked, genuine worry laced with his words. Jay chewed on the inside of her cheek, glancing away from him as she shrugged.  
“Fine,” she lied.  
“My mother’s been struggling, lately,” Shaun interrupted, stepping forward with his hands behind his back. Jay shot a glare at him, but he did not seem bothered by her obvious anger. Hancock looked back at him, eyes narrowed for a moment.   
“I’ve been fine,” she insisted, crossing her arms across her chest. Hancock looked back down at her, studying her for a moment.   
“What’s been goin on?” he asked Shaun, looking back at him. Jay stared at her son, daring him to out her to Hancock.   
“She’s been hiding information from her therapists and doctors, stealing weapons to harm herself with, and has even attempted suicide in the past week of treatment,” Shaun informed Hancock, and the Ghoul nodded slowly, looking back to Jay.   
Sadness was evident upon Hancock’s face as he softly took her right hand into his own, clasping their fingers together. He licked his lips, thinking about what he had to say for a moment. “Why, blue? Why are you doing this?” he murmured, confused and scared.   
“I’m no better than Kellogg, Hancock. Next thing you know, I’m gonna be breaking into a Vault and killing someone’s spouse so I can take their baby,” she told him, and she noted how Shaun frowned, clearly uncomfortable. She imagined it wasn’t satisfying to hear your own mother reprimand everything you’d worked for, but it was the truth.   
Hancock bit on his lip, turning and looking at Shaun for support. The two shared a look, and Hancock eventually said, “Can we have some privacy?”   
“Can you keep her safe?”  
“You bet your ass I will,” Hancock replied, and Shaun nodded, gesturing for the coursers to follow him down the stairs. Once the door slid close on the bottom floor, Hancock took her hand and led her down the stairs to a couch. Jay frowned before sitting, chewing on her lip as Hancock sat across from her, letting out a groan of relief as he relaxed. His head was thrown back as he simply breath, getting comfy.   
“You shouldn’t have come here,” Jay told him, upset with his presence. The last person she’d wanted to see was Hancock, and it was for a multitude of reasons. The most important reason was because she was a monster, she was what Hancock hated; the Institute’s errand boys. The second most important reason was because she loved that damn ghoul with her entire being. Seeing him made her feel doubts towards her plans, and she quickly tried to subdue the doubts she had. If she was going to do this, she wasn’t going to back out.   
“I wanted to come here, blue,” Hancock told her, bringing his head up to stare at her. He looked serious, eyebrows furrowed and lips drawn thin and tight. He doesn’t look like the relaxed Hancock who would hand her a beer with a small smirk, who would dance with her at the Third Rail… No, he looked how he did when he would pry chems from her lonely hands, when he would pick her up from a dunken stupor and drop her into bed.   
He looked at her like he loved her.  
And good God, did Jay hate that.   
“I don’t know why.”  
“Jay.” Said woman looked up at him. “Knock it off. You know damn well why I came here.”  
Jay awkwardly adjusted her position, but kept her arms crossed. “Because you care about me,” she told him, and he shook his head. Jay’s heart dropped to her feet at his motion, her eyes widening slightly and mouth somewhat ajar.   
“More to it than that,” he pressed, and the confusion replaced the shock, sadness and fear.   
“You really care about me?” she guessed, and he shook his head. Jay frowned again to herself as she fidgeted with the hem of her shirt, thinking. “You really really like me?”  
Hancock smiled to himself, a small huff being his chosen form of laughter. He leaned back, resting his arms against the wall behind him. “In a way, but there’s a word for what I feel for you and you know it damn well, sunshine.”  
“You...love me,” she stated. Those words were dangerous, and almost immediately after she said them, fear and panic enveloped her chest. Those words would define whether or not she decided to live, as to whether or not she went forward with her plan or left it be. She’d always told Nate that she could live as long as someone loved her, that she couldn’t handle leaving them to the heartbreak. Nate had always smiled down at her, rubbing her cheek and promising her he would never leave her alone in the world.   
Of course, things had gone differently than they’d imagined.   
Hancock merely nodded at her, watching her with careful eyes for a moment. “And how do you feel bout that, blue?”  
“Scared.”  
“Why?”  
“Because if you love me, what happens once the plan works?” she asked, voice as quiet as she felt small under his long gaze. She knew from the way that he looked at her that he would never let the plan worked, even if it killed him. And that terrified her.   
“The plan won’t work, blue,” he answered, and Jay frowned, hands clenching into tight fists as she sprung to her feet. Hancock simply watched her as her posture vividly announced her fury before her words did.   
“If you love me so goddamn much then why are you gonna let them corrupt me like they did to Kellogg?! I’m just another toy, another synth,” she spat, spit flying everywhere as she screamed. Hancock’s expression did not betray him as he watched her, calm and quiet. This infuriated Jay more, and she laughed loudly, shaking her head as she turned her back to him. “I can’t fucking believe you. You’re working with them, aren’t you? Of course. You’re just another synth. Of course,” she laughed loudly, running her hands through her hair as she pulled multiple strands out. Her giggling turned loud and eventually broke into sobbing as she crumpled to her knees, ripping her hair out viciously as she cried. “Let me go,” she bawled.   
Warm hands wrapped around her own, gingerly pulling them away from her scalp. Jay shook her head, beginning to yell at Hancock to let her go, but he spoke before she could. “I’m not a synth, blue. It’s the same damn old ghoul that loaned you pants when you got super fucking drunk, the same ghoul that stayed up all night waiting for you to get your ass back. I’m still Hancock, blue.”  
“No you’re not. He wouldn’t love me. He doesn’t,” she protested, pulling her hands away from his own.   
“I do, Jay. I do.”  
She pulled back, smacking her head into cabinet violently. A soft groan came from her as she reached back, rubbing the spot. But when she saw Hancock coming closer, Jay planted her feet on his chest and pushed him away, scrambling to her feet. A hand wrapped around her ankle and she fell to the ground, knocking her chin on the tile. A loud ringing noise echoed in her ears as she slowly crawled to her feet, nearly falling over every other second.   
When her vision returned, Jay saw Shaun, the two coursers and Hancock quickly talking, and once they saw that she was once again aware, the coursers sprang towards her. “No!” Jay screamed, shoving them away with all her force. But they were stronger than her, and wrapped their hands around her arms. “No!” she yelled, struggling to get out of their hold.   
“Mother, please calm down or we’ll be forced to sedate you,” Shaun pleaded, voice calm and smooth just like every other time. Hancock looked the exact opposite of her son. His eyebrows were furrowed. and his lips were drawn thin in obvious discontentment.   
Jay bared her teeth at them, spitting at their feet. “I hope you rot in hell,” she hissed at the two, and Hancock quickly turned away, shaking his head as he clapped Shaun on the shoulder.   
“Come get me once she’s stable,” he whispered, and Shaun nodded. The ghoul slowly walked out of the room into the hallways, not looking back at her. Anger and sadness bubbled up into Jay’s chest as Hancock left her, and she quickly turned and bit one of the courser’s arms, making him release her. Quickly, Jay punched the other courser in the throat, making him yelp and drop her.   
The woman quickly got to her feet and bolted down the stairs, desperately trying to escape. The coursers were hot on her ass though, and when she took just one step on the floor, arms wrapped around her, and pulled her back, restraining her. A frustrated scream was ripped from her throat as she tried to get out of the grip, but she couldn’t.   
“I’m sorry, mother,” Shaun told her, and she felt the prick of a needle in her arm before everything became fuzzy and dark. 

“You acted out the other day in response to seeing a familiar figure. Why was that?”   
A breath. A tap. Avoided eye contact.   
“Because he loves me.”  
A hum. A click. Pen writing.   
“What’s wrong with that?”  
A stutter. A silence. Her heart thudded.   
“Everything.”

**Author's Note:**

> if you enjoyed this, PLEASE leave kudos and PLEASE leave comments!!!  
> it is SUCH A BIG MOTIVATOR!!!  
> it makes me so happy when i get support u have no idea  
> thanks for reading !!!


End file.
